2. New I.P. Who Dis?

This week’s chapter? The official induction into the strange and wonderful club known as Intended Parents or IPs for those of us now fluent in fertility lingo. It’s a title that sounds far more put-together than we actually feel.

To be honest, there’s no set test to become an IP. No standard metrics. No aptitude exams. No “what’s your heritage” and “are you eligible”. So, there’s no certificate or initiation ceremony either. Nor is there a crash course to teach you where to start, who to go to, and what to do.

In fact, it’s so daunting, that regardless of all the forums, blogs, posts, and resources out there (way more than there used to be), it’s still confusing as to where to launch yourselves from.

What you do know is that starting this journey means you are now the designated adults responsible for navigating legal frameworks, health systems, human biology, emotional nuance, and group chat diplomacy. All while wondering if your future child will inherit your ability to remain calm or will they cease functioning when the bugs hit the windscreen.

So what is an IP, really?

In official terms, Intended Parents are the people that are the heart of any surrogacy or fertility journey. The ones hoping to raise a child that can be:

Created outside of the womb with the genetic material of the actual parents, and then carried by the biological parents
Created outside of the womb with another person’s genetic material, then carried by the ‘primary’ parents
Created outside the womb with another person’s genetic material, then carried by another person, before being given to the ‘primary’ parents

In all situations, the parents who end up receiving the child, are referred to as an Intended Parent. Ultimately, the ones hoping to raise the child being carried by someone else. But that clinical definition doesn’t really capture what it feels like.

Being an IP is equal parts humbling, terrifying, exciting, and surreal. It means constantly holding space for hope and uncertainty. It means trusting others with something unimaginably precious (and expensive). And it means doing a metric tonne of paperwork while quietly wondering if your sperm or eggs are up to the task.

It also means realising just how much there is to learn. And boy did we learn.

Research, spirals, and rabbit holes

We always knew that IVF and surrogacy would be a steep learning curve, but no one really prepares you for how many hats you have to wear once you become IPs. Admin. Advocate. Project manager. Sperm contributor. Emotional support human. Occasional snack fairy. Repeat.

Since kicking off this journey, we’ve well and truly done our homework. We’ve been to a couple of surrogacy and fertility conferences (Growing Families and Rainbow Families is a must), lurked in countless forums, read more blogs and website than we can count, and had enough late night deep dives into legislation and personal stories to qualify for some sort of honorary degree in “Lawyers for the Federation of Intended Parents International”.

Suddenly, you’re filling out paperwork that feels like it was designed by someone with a PhD in confusion. You’re learning words like “gestational carrier” and “PGT-A testing” before your morning coffee. You’re balancing feelings (all of them. all the time.) with logistics, appointments, and trying not to cry in public. Again.

Some things we’ve learnt along the way:

Everyone’s journey is wildly different but the chaos is absolutely universal
The acronyms will haunt your dreams (hello PGT-A, POI, AMH, BMI, GP….WTF?)
There is no such thing as a dumb question, except maybe “will it be twins?” before you’ve even seen an embryo
Not everyone is understanding and not everyone is tolerant
Being bitter about those who can naturally procreate, indeed some who might even carelessly procreate, is very easy to do, so keeping a positive mindset is so incredibly important, resilience even more so
Your support network is your family, and your family is your community, and your community is what gets you through
People who are on the IP journey whether hetero, homo, or queer, are all in the same boat, and there’s comfort in knowing that.

Every article, every session, every awkward panel Q&A has helped us feel a little less lost and a little more empowered. Not prepared, exactly. Just…less completely clueless.

Did you know? On a panel of kids who have come from all family types (adopted, surrogacy, welfare) have all said that they wouldn’t have it any other way. And parents’ biggest concerns of fitting in, bullying, and integrating with new environments? The children are more worried about how much their parents embarrass them at the next school dance, or why they drive a shit-box car (lol).

And here’s another fact you can take to the bank – almost every state in Australia has its own set of surrogacy and IVF laws, so for example, you can’t take genetic material out of VIC; so for those who are looking to do this whole process there but live interstate, be prepared to move!

So how far along are we? (pardon the pun)

Well, we’re way past the start line and deep in the ‘get your IP life together’ mode. The calendar is full, the emails are multiplying, and the folder structure is getting more of a workout than ever.

Here’s what’s on our plate:

Completed mandatory IP counselling (more on that in a later post)
Completed mandatory Psychologist screening (even more on that later too)
Legal chats are underway (because parenthood needs paperwork in quadruplicate, apparently)
Big, important conversations with our surrogates covering everything from expectations to communication styles, and when to start a group Spotify playlist
Learning to ask better questions, even when we feel like we should already know the answers
Choosing egg donors (we’ll save this for a later date too).

It’s emotional. It’s practical. And every step designed to remind us we’re not just making a baby, we’re building a whole support system around that baby too.

Little fact about us this week:

One of us thought ‘intended parent’ was just a sweet nickname. The other already made a colour-coded folder titled ‘IP Admin – Start Here.” We’ll let you guys guess who’s who (but spoiler: Gary’s the spreadsheet goblin).

The reality of pre-parenthood…

Some days we feel confident, clear-headed, ready to take it all on.

Other days? Utterly overwhelmed (and that’s coming from Gary who normally has the emotional capacity of a dump truck). The acronyms, the admin, the sheer vulnerability of wanting something so deeply and knowing that it’s not fully in your control, and definitely having less control than if we didn’t have to go through this process, hits home occasionally.

But, that’s okay. That’s the gig.

We’re learning what it means to be the kind of parents who show up long before nappies and night feeds. The kind who read the fine print, cries in the car, bring snacks and jokes to serious meetings, and never stops asking how we can do better for our future child, our surrogates, and each other.

We’ve got no idea what’s coming next, but we’re showing up anyway. And that, friends, is peak I.P. energy and a bloody good place to start.

Until next week, signing off with love, legal documents, and low-key panic…

Love,
Gary and Sam 🧠

P.S. Also, a disclaimer – there were no photos of us at a conference, but we did attend them. So our feature photo is of the spectacular view from Sofitel where we did a staycation for a 2 day conference :D.