6. The ‘Egg’streme search

Little fact about us this week:

We now know more about the genetics, hobbies, and academic backgrounds of 50 egg donors than we do about half our extended family. Honestly, sorry to our cousins, we love you, but none of you had an 8-page donor profile with hobbies listed as “hot yoga and micro-baking.”

Our photo:

Another snapshot into the future, but with photos from the past. Sam, Gary, and Gary’s second godson, Charlie 🙂

The weirdest Tinder you’ll ever use

So here’s the thing about choosing an egg donor: it’s weird.
Wonderful, important, sacred in some ways – but mostly? Weird.

You’re essentially trying to choose someone who will contribute half of your future child’s DNA… from an online database, online photos, and pdf files of some of the most important information you never thought you’d have to think about. It’s more comprehensive than Tinder and eHarmony, but all at the same time, feels just as creepy.

And while it sounds like a streamlined “just pick someone lovely” sort of process, it turns out it’s actually more of a scroll-scroll-swear-scroll-scroll-click-“Why is she blonde in one photo and brunette in the next?”-scroll-scroll-panic-scroll experience.

We went through The World Egg and Sperm Bank (TWESB), an international donor agency based in the US. Why?

Because in Australia, egg donation is altruistic. You can’t advertise, you can’t pay, and you can’t really “find” someone unless you know someone. Which we didn’t, not clearly anyway. While yes, there are some workarounds like forums you could join and groups you can be added to on Facebook, we decided that this really wasn’t the path for us anyway. That’s not to say that it’s wrong, or any less or more complex, but Sam and I appreciated the personal choice of being able to utilise a service overseas.

International gave us:

A wider pool of donors
Donors who had already been screened, eggs retrieved, and so had gone through the process
Detailed profiles, including medical history, family background, education, and even personality traits
Things they liked or didn’t like without having to do the whole ‘egg-dating’ in person type thing
The ability to make an informed, intentional decision without a lot of the in-person emotion

But… it took a while. Like, a while.

The bit that matters – choosing more than just eggs

Let’s be honest, try as you might, you can’t separate this process from your heart. Ultimately, you’re not just ticking boxes. You’re asking:

“Could this be our child’s genetic origin story?”
“How will we talk about this one day?”
“Does her essay about her childhood give me warm fuzzies or slight red flags?

We shared by thinking that we’d go in with a checklist:

Health history? ✅
Education? ✅
Shared interests? ✅

We then started noticing the unexpected things that mattered more and in some ways made its way up the list even further:

Whether they had kind eyes
Whether their favourite book was just “Harry Potter”, or no offence, was there more variety, please?!
Whether their answers made us feel like they got why this mattered

And then as we delved even further, our conversations and our priorities also started to shift, with some common themes rising to the surface, such as our individual priorities.

Sam’s Priorities:

Emotional depth
Warmth in their words
Someone who felt real, not rehearsed

Gary’s Priorities:

Zero red flags in the family medical tree
Someone who seemed grounded and with a GPA greater than 3.5
Height (he says it’s for “genetic balance” but we know it’s so the kid can reach the top shelf)

Let a snapshot from one of our many conversations paint a picture for you 😉

Sam: Feelings first. “This donor made me cry. I think she’s the one.”
Gary: Logic first. “She’s got three second cousins with high cholesterol. NEXT.”
Sam: “Babe, this is a decision of the heart.”
Gary: “Yes. A heart that must be genetically sound.”

Multiple near-agreements, total U-turns, and spreadsheet colour-coding dramas later… we landed on the donor that made both of us stop. We weren’t ultimately looking for perfection. We were looking for connection (that sadly also had to match some of the logistics). Something in the way she described her family. Her sense of humour. A little spark that said, yes, this person feels right.

Where group chats build character

We didn’t pick our egg donor in a vacuum (or just in a hormonal haze). Our surrogates were involved every step of the way because if someone’s going to carry your child, they should probably get some input in where half the genetic material’s coming from, right?

We swapped profiles, had opinions, shared vibes. It was less “clinical decision-making” and more “group project meets Bachelor rose ceremony.” And yes, most of it was done via late-night post-dinner chaos, group message texts, and multiple truly chaotic conversations about baby photos and zodiac signs.

Turns out, choosing DNA is more fun when you do it with people who are emotionally invested and slightly unhinged in the best way.

A journey measured in spreadsheets, some tears, and US time zones

In the end, we looked through hundreds of profiles. Hundreds. And they changed all the time, it’s not like it was the same donors. Naively, we thought that we would be able to choose first round, only to be told our list of 5 shortlisted profiles were all genetically incompatible. The second time round, the eggs weren’t available. The third time round, one was available but by the time we crossed the time difference barrier, they were gone….you get the gist.

Our final rapid fire selection rounds ended up not being so rapid with two calls to the USA at 1am (because time zones hate us), multiple genetics reviews by IVF Australia, and countless email threads with Tonya (our TWESB coordinator who probably now has our names etched into her wine glass).

Some donors got ruled out for medical history. Others didn’t feel quite right. Some we adored but didn’t pass the compatibility checks. It was part logistics, part science, part gut feeling.

Eventually, 7 rounds later, after going through about 50 shortlisted candidates, we did find our one, the chosen one (cue Lion King raising simba into the air moment but with an egg donor…haha what? that’s just weird cause she’s an adult).

This whole process, we kid you not, took almost 3 months.

Unfortunately, we’re not entitled to share who (because you know… privacy). But she is wonderful and we can tell you a little bit about her. She’s a warm, musically talented healthcare worker from Arizona with a passion for family and a heart for helping others. Amongst other things, she’s a violin-playing, trumpet-blasting (Sam’s family rejoice – another musician!), yoga-practising, jazz-band-singing kind of woman, she’s studying to become a travel emergency room nurse (Gary’s cheering!), wants to foster and adopt kids one day, and somehow still finds time to run, lift weights, and dream of achieving a 5k run in a few months time. Smart (4.0 GPA BABY – Gary couldn’t be prouder), driven, and generous to her core, she’s got brown eyes, a curly mop of hair, and a background that blends Jewish, Mexican, Spanish, and Russian ancestry. Honestly, she sounds cooler than both of us.

One day when they ask…

Yes little bubba, if you read this, let us tell you that we scrolled through hundreds of donor profiles like it was Tinder for ova that was medically peer-reviewed.

That it took seven tries, over fifty contenders, and two 1am calls to America in our pyjamas with at least one emotional spreadsheet meltdown.

That we cried, debated, triple-checked genetics, and finally chose someone who just felt right.

And our message for you: “You weren’t just picked with love, you were shortlisted, cross-checked, chosen with spreadsheet-level commitment, and blessed with the full power of the gay village.”

Because even before you existed, we were doing the most – for you.

Well, until next week our lovely community…
Genetically matched, emotionally attached, and still recovering from 1am egg donor Zooms…

Love,
Gary & Sam 🥚💖📱